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ESFj uncovered "When It's Not Perfect"
22 June 2007
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by I/O
The partner is a reflection of the ESFj so must also strive to be perfect. Unfortunately, the more the partner offers in attributes, the higher the ESFj raises the standards; therefore, a partner is doomed to be imperfect in the eyes of the ESFj. One can take solace in the fact that advice rolls so easily off the tongue of the ESFj as to how the partner could become a better person. The ESFj is certainly not shy about expressing the way things should be, and may readily see faults in others without recognising any in him or herself.
The ESFj is always seeking complements because of a need for a lot of positive affirmation in order to feel good. They're overly status conscious, and interested in how others see them and their family. Anything the children do reflects on the ESFj. If things do not go well, retribution is swift. They tend to be dependent on their partners and marry to insure that they have a proper place in the social strata. If the partner is not a good provider, the ESFj can whine, nag and brood incessantly over a comparison of her possessions with those of others.
The ESFj is usually quite popular and good with people, and good at controlling and manipulating them. If all else fails, the ESFj will stoop to guilt manipulation. The ESFj just five minutes ago was casting disparaging remarks about the person to whom she is now being sweet, a true chameleon pleasing to everyone including the enemy. However, their lack of intuition prevents them from seeing the real consequences of their manipulations.
The ESFj doesn't have any strongly felt internal values but does espouse popular opinion. They often defer to higher authority as the source of opinions and attitudes. If bank robbing was popular amongst friends, the ESFj will try to be perfect at it. In weighing their values against society, they find plenty of support for whatever moral transgression they wish to justify. All ESFj have a natural tendency to want to control their environment. They are driven to manipulate others to achieve their own ends; yet they can always convince themselves that they are following a solid moral code of conduct.
The ESFj is overly sensitive, often imagining bad intentions when there aren't any. They can't seem to deal with change, conflict or criticism. Being prone to insecurity, they focus all of their attention on pleasing those that give them security. Their need for security drives their ready acceptance and adherence to the rules of the established system, whether it is bureaucratic, religious or gang related. They seem to blindly accept rules without questioning or understanding them.
The ESFj is easily wounded. And when wounded, their emotions frequently boil over with the vexation of their souls; and they can channel emotions into moving dramatic performances. Under stress, the ESFj can become very critical, finding fault with almost everyone and everything, and ignoring the feelings of others. The ESFj senses danger all around - germs, the elements, sinister character flaws, etc. The world is a dangerous place, not to be trusted. The ESFj can also cause tension by expressing anticipations of gloom and doom, exhibiting a bent toward the pessimistic that can be contagious.
They're not likely to enjoy having to do things, which involve abstract, theoretical concepts, or impersonal analysis. They live in terms of people and things rather than in terms of ideas and principles. And, some may on occasion misinterpret their detail-conscious, pragmatic realism as indicating a lack of intellect, imagination and flexibility. However, if scorned, they can become spiteful and because they are keenly aware of others and their emotional needs, the ESFj really knows how to hurt a person.
EDIT: [One aspect I failed to point out: the ESFj needs to continually dump their woes and frustrations on his or her partner like a purging or cathartic act so the partner has to have broad shoulders and thick skin - hence, a reason why INTj pairing works. -- I/O]
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